Saturday, 14 January 2012
Sunday, 8 January 2012
Ten Openings That Never Went Anywhere - #4
They stared at the screen together.
Across a vast, snow-covered square so large that the ends were lost in the sky, innumerable ranks of grey-green figures stood in tight rows, from the cameraman seemingly all the way to the blanket white clouds. In the distance, along one side of the square, a square black limousine struggled like a beetle, almost broken by the weight of the enormous portrait of the Dear Leader it sustained. It was only the sheer scale of the scene that revealed any sign of humanity. Rows of mourners that in any smaller number would have appeared drilled with laser-like precision revealed the subtlest kinks in the foreshortened middle distance. Perspective could be harsh.
Across a vast, snow-covered square so large that the ends were lost in the sky, innumerable ranks of grey-green figures stood in tight rows, from the cameraman seemingly all the way to the blanket white clouds. In the distance, along one side of the square, a square black limousine struggled like a beetle, almost broken by the weight of the enormous portrait of the Dear Leader it sustained. It was only the sheer scale of the scene that revealed any sign of humanity. Rows of mourners that in any smaller number would have appeared drilled with laser-like precision revealed the subtlest kinks in the foreshortened middle distance. Perspective could be harsh.
Thursday, 29 December 2011
Notes On A Lack of Scandal
I'm comfortably listening to Radio 4. Suddenly I hear a demented but tooth-grindingly familiar melody. I drop my mug of coffee on the workstop where it will bounce a couple of times, and launch myself headlong at the radio, one arm stretched out ahead, to connect to the off button on the radio. All in slow motion of course - I sail through the air, a look of pain on my suddenly pale face, splashes of coffee gracefully ascending from the worktop, and there is a slowed-down shout of
Nooooo!It's The Archers, of course, and if anyone else in Britain is anything like me then I'd imagine there must be a sudden drop in power usage on the national grid at that moment.
Thursday, 8 December 2011
Foreshadowing
Why the gap in blog posts? Was I on holiday again? No. To tell the truth, I was planning a post after reading the Iliad - it just lasted me a little longer than I'd first anticipated. Don't know why that should have occasioned me such surprsie, given that it runs to 24 books. But then you get caught up reading footnotes, and one thing leads to another, and...
The subject this time is foreshadowing. It's almost a dirty word in storytelling. 'Little did young Christopher Plumley he know, when he first joined the service of Count von Dastard D'e'Ville, of what horrors would transpire...' Who would write such a sentence now? It seems quaint, from a period when the world was Newtonian, effects followed causes, and clockwork inevitability seemed a fact of life. I suppose this is what would traditionally have been called fate - a subject that doesn't come up in fiction too often. But more's the pity?
The subject this time is foreshadowing. It's almost a dirty word in storytelling. 'Little did young Christopher Plumley he know, when he first joined the service of Count von Dastard D'e'Ville, of what horrors would transpire...' Who would write such a sentence now? It seems quaint, from a period when the world was Newtonian, effects followed causes, and clockwork inevitability seemed a fact of life. I suppose this is what would traditionally have been called fate - a subject that doesn't come up in fiction too often. But more's the pity?
Thursday, 17 November 2011
What Microsoft Visual Studio thinks of my internal monologue
If everybody had an ocean across the USA Then everybody'd be surfing like californi-ay
End Sub
Thursday, 10 November 2011
Ten Openings That Never Went Anywhere - #3
He flexed his legs under the table to stave off cramp.
There were times, of course, when conducting a particularly boring meeting at this record company, that he would pass from one agenda item into the next and as the conference phone crackled into life, and someone in A&R began the longest possible explanation of why they were not entirely redundant in the workplace, with worked examples - and he would actually pass out with the boredom. Just for a second. One moment he'd feel himself falling, and then arrest his collapse back into his chair with a jolt, usually before anyone had even noticed, and with the A&R man still waxing boringly about the future of rock and roll. People regular blacked out during this label's meetings, and it wasn't as if he was likely to miss out on the next big thing in the space of a mere second or so of unconsciousness, but he'd never heard of anyone blacking out during their own meeting.
There were times, of course, when conducting a particularly boring meeting at this record company, that he would pass from one agenda item into the next and as the conference phone crackled into life, and someone in A&R began the longest possible explanation of why they were not entirely redundant in the workplace, with worked examples - and he would actually pass out with the boredom. Just for a second. One moment he'd feel himself falling, and then arrest his collapse back into his chair with a jolt, usually before anyone had even noticed, and with the A&R man still waxing boringly about the future of rock and roll. People regular blacked out during this label's meetings, and it wasn't as if he was likely to miss out on the next big thing in the space of a mere second or so of unconsciousness, but he'd never heard of anyone blacking out during their own meeting.
Sunday, 16 October 2011
On Beauty
A note for your diary...
Do, I beg you, come and see my story 'Loveliness Raged' performed at this month's 'Are You Sitting Comfortably?', this Friday (21stOctober), along with several others on the general theme of Beauty.
The venue is :
Arts Bar & Café, Toynbee Studios
28 Commercial Street
London
E1 6AB
Tickets are £8 and from personal experience I'd suggest it might be worth booking, as it has been known to sell out. Box office is 020 7650 2350, or you can book online at www.artsadmin.co.uk. The doors open at 7.30pm, the stories start at 8pm sharp, the evening winds up story wise around 10pm, but the ever-ready bar outlasts them all. And chip butties and ice creams are on the house!
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The venue is :
Arts Bar & Café, Toynbee Studios
28 Commercial Street
London
E1 6AB
Tickets are £8 and from personal experience I'd suggest it might be worth booking, as it has been known to sell out. Box office is 020 7650 2350, or you can book online at www.artsadmin.co.uk. The doors open at 7.30pm, the stories start at 8pm sharp, the evening winds up story wise around 10pm, but the ever-ready bar outlasts them all. And chip butties and ice creams are on the house!
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Thursday, 13 October 2011
The Republic - a new translation
How then may we devise one of those needful falsehoods of which we lately spoke - just one royal lie which may deceive the rulers, if that be possible, and at any rate the rest of the city?
What sort of lie? he said.
Friday, 7 October 2011
Classical birdwatching
'Let us consider an albino crow. Is it not said, by the great poets, that such creatures have been seen? And there is, I believe, an old Phoenician tale regarding such an occurrence. But is a white crow not a crow nonetheless?'
'That it is, Socrates.'
'Then it is true that all crows must be white?'
'That must be correct.'
'Then what would you say is that black corvid, under the tree over there?'
'That it is, Socrates.'
'Then it is true that all crows must be white?'
'That must be correct.'
'Then what would you say is that black corvid, under the tree over there?'
Monday, 3 October 2011
Why Doesn't This Writer Have An Agent? #1b in a series...
I've had it in mind for a while to promote other writers' work wherever I can - there is nothing more depressing on a blog than pure self-promotion. Sebastian Aston, keeper of the wonderfully dry Notes From The Noon of Life blog, kindly gives me permission to show off his talents this week with an extract from his short and as yet unrepresented novel, And A Funny Feeling Of Being Lost - see what you think. I am very keen to hear from anyone else who would let me big up their work in a similar way. Providing it's, y'know, good...
A company’s reception area is often the first point of contact for outsiders. It’s a window for them to the rest of the organisation and should reflect the company’s image. Our reception area is a cold mix of glass, metal and laminate, which gives it a very professional gloss. It’s much like our receptionist, Samantha, who is receptionist pretty, too heavy on the gloss, and almost certainly part laminate.
It’s gone nine as I rush in, glance her way and say, “Morning.”
She doesn’t respond as she is talking busily on the phone. I hear her say something about Madonna and hot pants. On days when she does acknowledge me, she usually curls her lip. This I put down to me not being senior enough, not looking like Brad Pitt enough, and not trying to chat her up enough. Or maybe it’s because she thinks that I stereotype people. Above her head, on the wall, in sleek inspiring graphics is written Vigora. The company used to be called Enterprise Technology Ltd. until last year when some American investors bought it with big plans to overhaul the whole organisation. They spent millions of dollars giving it a new name and logo and left everything else the same. In place of new strategy we got new mouse mats. The new branding is meant to indicate power and vitality. My suggestion -which nobody asked for- was WankAthlete. I even drew a logo.
The recently renovated office is open plan. It has been specifically designed to increase the interaction between teams. There are ergonomically shaped Formica desks scattered around forming little islands. It’s like a Formica Maldives located on the fifth floor of a dull office block in central London. The modular low-static carpet is granite grey, the fully relocatable partitioning walls are silver grey, and our high performance worktops are blue grey. Officially, there is no grey grey here. Unofficially, I would say there’s some plain grey in the kitchen but maybe I’m not picking out the hint of avocado.
As I make my way between the desks, I spot Steve, my boss, sitting in his office. It’s a large glass-walled room off to one side and is styled with executive beech furniture. His boss sits in an even larger office next door. His room is styled with executive walnut furniture. He also has his own printer, a gratuitous sofa and a picture of the Dordogne where he frequently mentions that he owns a property. I arrive at my island where David and Charlie are already sitting. Our Health & Safety certified workstations are separated from each other by low partitioning screens which we have attempted to personalise. David has put up a photo of the West Ham squad, and Charlie has some drawings by his little girl. They’re quite good, almost Impressionist, especially the one of him where he looks like a testicle watching a sunset. My screen is filled up with Dilbert cartoons.
“Morning,” I grunt, sitting down and logging on to my PC.
“Afternoon,” says David, looking at his watch.
“Evening,” says Charlie.
“Check your mails,” says David. “You won’t believe it, they want another spreadsheet filled in by end of day.” He has piercing blue eyes and, if I was a girl, I would probably fall for him like they all do. I would also soon be tossed casually aside, broken, like they all are.
“Another one?” I say. “What do they want this time?”
“An action plan for all your accounts,” says Charlie, who is only a couple of years older than David but, balding and with a beer pregnancy, the two years look like ten.
“But I don’t have an action plan,” I say, “because I spend all my time filling in action plans.”
“Maybe you can say that’s your action plan,” says David.
“That sounds like an inaction plan,” says Charlie.
“They’re going to ask for those later in the week,” I say.
Their smiles quickly disappear as they glance over my shoulder and start acting busy.
“Timon, can I have a word?” a voice says behind my back.
“Sure, Steve,” I say, getting up and following him to his office.
Steve sits at his executive beech desk as I close the door. “Please try and be on time, Timon,” he says. “We start punctually at nine here.”
I check my watch: it says twelve past. Then I pull out my .44 Magnum, point it at his chest and pull the trigger. He explodes backwards out of his chair, eyes struck wide in surprise. As he falls to the ground I pull the trigger again. The Magnum roars as another bullet slams into his body, the recoil shooting up my arm. Say hello to my leeettle friend! I pull out my 9mm Uzi with laser sighting and let rip with a few short bursts, the crack of the gunfire covering up my mad laughter.
“Yes, I’m sorry I’m late,” I say. “There was a problem on the tube.”
“Tell me, how did your presentation go yesterday?” Steve has a square face, a weak chin and is very ambitious. His main ambition is to be American and he dresses and acts as such. He slicks back his hair, wears tasselled loafers, and uses words like doable.
“I think it went well.”
He stares at me and raises his eyebrows.
I add, “I’d be surprised if they didn’t want to take it to the next step.”
“Good stuff,” he says. “So what’s the driver behind their need?”
“The driver? I couldn’t see his face, he was wearing a helmet.”
He stares at me and frowns.
I clear my throat and say, “Well, their immediate need is for better tracking of their customer requirements…”
“But is that a business issue or just a technological requirement?”
“No, it’s a business issue. Their current legacy system is very costly to maintain and isn’t capable of handling their growing volumes of business.”
“I see. So how did you pitch the benefits of our solution to them?”
“I told them we could consolidate and improve their whole process with an integrated solution which enhances and streamlines current processes, reduces their costs, and gives better customer tracking and service.” Expialidocious.
“Good stuff,” he says. “I just wanted to check on progress and make sure we can put this one to bed. We need this business, Timon. You need this business. You only have a few weeks left to make your target.”
“I’ll close it.”
“Be sure you do. New York is watching us very closely. Okay, thanks Timon,” says Steve, who’s from Wall Street in Croydon.
I walk out and close the door. Note to self: use a flamethrower next time, and remember to piss on the body. I go to the kitchen to make myself a coffee. It’s empty and I take a moment, take a deep breath. In and out. Then I punch my order into the machine and listen to it whir and click.
“No, he won’t get away with it, the little kid was there,” says David, as I arrive back at my desk.
“Yeah, but she’s blind, she doesn’t know what she heard,” says Charlie.
“You don’t think he’ll go after her?”
“I think he’ll try and blackmail her mother.”
They’re talking about the big news event of the day, front page of the papers, somebody killing somebody on some TV soap. It must have been a quiet night in the Middle East.
“What did Steve want?” asks Charlie.
“He told me he was beginning to self-loath for working here.”
“Really?” says David.
I sit down and check my emails.
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People Are Our Greatest Asset
A company’s reception area is often the first point of contact for outsiders. It’s a window for them to the rest of the organisation and should reflect the company’s image. Our reception area is a cold mix of glass, metal and laminate, which gives it a very professional gloss. It’s much like our receptionist, Samantha, who is receptionist pretty, too heavy on the gloss, and almost certainly part laminate.
It’s gone nine as I rush in, glance her way and say, “Morning.”
She doesn’t respond as she is talking busily on the phone. I hear her say something about Madonna and hot pants. On days when she does acknowledge me, she usually curls her lip. This I put down to me not being senior enough, not looking like Brad Pitt enough, and not trying to chat her up enough. Or maybe it’s because she thinks that I stereotype people. Above her head, on the wall, in sleek inspiring graphics is written Vigora. The company used to be called Enterprise Technology Ltd. until last year when some American investors bought it with big plans to overhaul the whole organisation. They spent millions of dollars giving it a new name and logo and left everything else the same. In place of new strategy we got new mouse mats. The new branding is meant to indicate power and vitality. My suggestion -which nobody asked for- was WankAthlete. I even drew a logo.
The recently renovated office is open plan. It has been specifically designed to increase the interaction between teams. There are ergonomically shaped Formica desks scattered around forming little islands. It’s like a Formica Maldives located on the fifth floor of a dull office block in central London. The modular low-static carpet is granite grey, the fully relocatable partitioning walls are silver grey, and our high performance worktops are blue grey. Officially, there is no grey grey here. Unofficially, I would say there’s some plain grey in the kitchen but maybe I’m not picking out the hint of avocado.
As I make my way between the desks, I spot Steve, my boss, sitting in his office. It’s a large glass-walled room off to one side and is styled with executive beech furniture. His boss sits in an even larger office next door. His room is styled with executive walnut furniture. He also has his own printer, a gratuitous sofa and a picture of the Dordogne where he frequently mentions that he owns a property. I arrive at my island where David and Charlie are already sitting. Our Health & Safety certified workstations are separated from each other by low partitioning screens which we have attempted to personalise. David has put up a photo of the West Ham squad, and Charlie has some drawings by his little girl. They’re quite good, almost Impressionist, especially the one of him where he looks like a testicle watching a sunset. My screen is filled up with Dilbert cartoons.
“Morning,” I grunt, sitting down and logging on to my PC.
“Afternoon,” says David, looking at his watch.
“Evening,” says Charlie.
“Check your mails,” says David. “You won’t believe it, they want another spreadsheet filled in by end of day.” He has piercing blue eyes and, if I was a girl, I would probably fall for him like they all do. I would also soon be tossed casually aside, broken, like they all are.
“Another one?” I say. “What do they want this time?”
“An action plan for all your accounts,” says Charlie, who is only a couple of years older than David but, balding and with a beer pregnancy, the two years look like ten.
“But I don’t have an action plan,” I say, “because I spend all my time filling in action plans.”
“Maybe you can say that’s your action plan,” says David.
“That sounds like an inaction plan,” says Charlie.
“They’re going to ask for those later in the week,” I say.
Their smiles quickly disappear as they glance over my shoulder and start acting busy.
“Timon, can I have a word?” a voice says behind my back.
“Sure, Steve,” I say, getting up and following him to his office.
Steve sits at his executive beech desk as I close the door. “Please try and be on time, Timon,” he says. “We start punctually at nine here.”
I check my watch: it says twelve past. Then I pull out my .44 Magnum, point it at his chest and pull the trigger. He explodes backwards out of his chair, eyes struck wide in surprise. As he falls to the ground I pull the trigger again. The Magnum roars as another bullet slams into his body, the recoil shooting up my arm. Say hello to my leeettle friend! I pull out my 9mm Uzi with laser sighting and let rip with a few short bursts, the crack of the gunfire covering up my mad laughter.
“Yes, I’m sorry I’m late,” I say. “There was a problem on the tube.”
“Tell me, how did your presentation go yesterday?” Steve has a square face, a weak chin and is very ambitious. His main ambition is to be American and he dresses and acts as such. He slicks back his hair, wears tasselled loafers, and uses words like doable.
“I think it went well.”
He stares at me and raises his eyebrows.
I add, “I’d be surprised if they didn’t want to take it to the next step.”
“Good stuff,” he says. “So what’s the driver behind their need?”
“The driver? I couldn’t see his face, he was wearing a helmet.”
He stares at me and frowns.
I clear my throat and say, “Well, their immediate need is for better tracking of their customer requirements…”
“But is that a business issue or just a technological requirement?”
“No, it’s a business issue. Their current legacy system is very costly to maintain and isn’t capable of handling their growing volumes of business.”
“I see. So how did you pitch the benefits of our solution to them?”
“I told them we could consolidate and improve their whole process with an integrated solution which enhances and streamlines current processes, reduces their costs, and gives better customer tracking and service.” Expialidocious.
“Good stuff,” he says. “I just wanted to check on progress and make sure we can put this one to bed. We need this business, Timon. You need this business. You only have a few weeks left to make your target.”
“I’ll close it.”
“Be sure you do. New York is watching us very closely. Okay, thanks Timon,” says Steve, who’s from Wall Street in Croydon.
I walk out and close the door. Note to self: use a flamethrower next time, and remember to piss on the body. I go to the kitchen to make myself a coffee. It’s empty and I take a moment, take a deep breath. In and out. Then I punch my order into the machine and listen to it whir and click.
“No, he won’t get away with it, the little kid was there,” says David, as I arrive back at my desk.
“Yeah, but she’s blind, she doesn’t know what she heard,” says Charlie.
“You don’t think he’ll go after her?”
“I think he’ll try and blackmail her mother.”
They’re talking about the big news event of the day, front page of the papers, somebody killing somebody on some TV soap. It must have been a quiet night in the Middle East.
“What did Steve want?” asks Charlie.
“He told me he was beginning to self-loath for working here.”
“Really?” says David.
I sit down and check my emails.
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